im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to
i wanted you to too
Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
Wow first he impregnates you then he won't send you the sex tape you made together? Where has chivalry gone?
Randomize
