you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
Ya. My thumbs are those buffalo's, but my legs are spirits and my torso is that Indian guys and my head is the eagle
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
as a side note pls kill me
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
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