Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
only you would photoshop your dick
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I just don't know the best way to tell him I think I saw him in a porn. I mean I got off to it, isn't there some level of awkwardness there?
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
