So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
what is the most politically correct way to ask if he still hangs out with the guy that has blue hair and make meth in his car?
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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