I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Sorry my hands just texted you
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Judging by your snapchat you're totally working on your project and definitely not singing, "The Sign" while shirtless with another man.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
there is puke in my bra ... again
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