I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
Randomize
