Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
