At least make sure they are 18
Why
What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I don't really care where everyone ended up, but is everyone alive and not in jail?
Not in jail
Alive?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Randomize
