I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
like I licked Molly off a boys palm last night at a bar I think its ok to eat chicken once a week
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
