My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
It got to the point that I had to make flashcards with their name on the front and dick pics on the back.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
Apparently my thong was thrown in the cornfield last night. No one will tell me why.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Randomize
