I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
Yeah..And after he fingered me, he wiped it on my face and laughed.
ew wtf
i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Well after last night it's official...I cannot die...it time to use this power for good instead of handle contests
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
