I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
Bring one of those heart stabber things in case you go into shock. I'll jab you.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
Come cuddle! I'll be passed out somewhere in the library. It'll be like a scavenger hunt!
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
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