just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
