I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
How about we just have a naked taco night instead?
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm way too hungover for life right now
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
Randomize
