giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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