I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
He like poked it twice with the tip of his tongue then left it alone. I'm sad.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
My ATM looks so different sober.
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Lol it's kinda hilarious. I left missing one glass... guage. I feel like Cinderella... but less classy.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
