is wine microwaveable?
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
Was asked out on a date tonight on Linked In. That creepy genius at apple that touched my butt one time in the back stairwell. I thinks it's fair to say I've hit rock bottom.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Randomize
