I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
