I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
Randomize
