you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk
Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?
Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
Randomize
