i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
Rum and your dick are involved. You're relying on the unreliable narrator.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Randomize
