I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
I rocked my own world, he was just a prop.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
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