there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
Randomize
