Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
We were high as shit. We argued for like ten minutes about going to Dunkin Donuts and then just ended up rolling down hills. Thanks for the weed.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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