i think my mom watched the whole time
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Yeah, he threw a chair and hit her in the side of the head. She started hysterically crying and then proceeded to continue kicking our ass at beerpong. The girls got talent.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
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