Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just want to make out with him forever
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Randomize
