bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
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