Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
i was the only bi girl at the frat party. i felt like the last cresent roll at thanksgiving
It's Breast Cancer Awareness Month!!!! What random hook up should check my tata's this year?!?!
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I mean obviously I like your dick... Jury is still out on you but your dick is good
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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