My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
No subtext here. People are naked.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
