is her vagina suppost to smell like dirty taco bell?
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
