I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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