How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
There is a man walking 2 goats through the city.
Bonus: only one of them was on a leash.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
Bad news is im a slut again. Good news is its with people ive been a slut with before.
I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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