i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I could tell by the Randy 'Machoman' Savage "hey brother" that you were beyond inebriated
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
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