The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
This toilet bowl is my home.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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