And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I wish you could order shots online.
I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
Randomize
