Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
she used her cellphone as a light to find my clit under the sheets. worst.lesbian.ever.
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Just set out 2 water bottles as an offering to my hungover self.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
