Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They are baked and once again have spent the last 45 mins talking about opening up a world wide business called "pickle on a stick"
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
