Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
He has the fingertips of a God
Randomize
