mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Bought asot tix too. After Saturday I'm gonna be reborn like Jesus and no drugs until edc
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
Randomize
