i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You guys bombarded us in the bathroom and that kid whipped his dick out and peed in the sink.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
I hope April is a better month for dicks. March has been very disappointing.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
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