anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I did what i always do when i miss him; masturbate and watch Bridges of Madison County.
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
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