Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
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