oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
I want to walk on stilts...naked
Please explain to me why I only attract Mormon guys. Just explain that to me.
I think it's God trying to counter your lustful nature. Imagine if Agnostics liked you. You'd never come out of your bedroom.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
She just rubbed her face all over pool chalk. I feel like it's time to go
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
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