just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
