On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
what am i going to do when LOST is over? What am i going to get high to?
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
