wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
There is nothing like getting stoned and spying on people with binoculars
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
