we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
May the power of my ass compel you!!
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
Randomize
