i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
no more duck duck goose at the bar
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
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