Yesterday I was informed there is a jewish dating website called jdate, I'm considering joining out of academic curiosity
If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
It felt like a sumo wrestler slapped me. With a wet hand. 8 times in a row.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Randomize
