I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
Now I just sit back and wait to give ass birth to pure evil.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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