Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize
