I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
